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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27760024">poems from my notes app</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ufochasing/pseuds/ufochasing'>ufochasing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Poetry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:54:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,695</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27760024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ufochasing/pseuds/ufochasing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>just wanted somewhere to post this stuff</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. leaf</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>there's a tree i pass by<br/>
every day<br/>
on my way home from school<br/>
i so clearly remember<br/>
just a few months ago<br/>
its scarlet red leaves<br/>
but when i passed by it today<br/>
its leaves were spring green<br/>
fading into a soft canary yellow<br/>
and it made me wonder,<br/>
absentmindedly,<br/>
how have i not noticed<br/>
how much things have changed?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. hair dye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i dyed my hair the other night<br/>my friends helped me<br/>their hands pawed over my scalp<br/>tugging on my hair<br/>this way and that<br/>soft voices speaking over my head<br/>discussing the best way to drag the dye through the strands of keratin til it frothed<br/>their fingertips gently straced my skin<br/>as they crowded around me<br/>four in total <br/>working the formula<br/>til the silvery-white strands were stained grass green</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. yard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the light of the television<br/>
illuminates the kitchen<br/>
in a lime glow<br/>
it bleeds over the rugged wooden floors<br/>
my partner's fleece robe<br/>
swishes around my calves<br/>
the night is dark and starless outside<br/>
i look through the glass pane of the sliding door<br/>
smudged lightly with fingerprints of the inhabitants of the home<br/>
and i wonder what horrors lurk in the yard<br/>
just beyond my blurry, untreated vision<br/>
if i went back to our room<br/>
and retrived my glasses<br/>
would i see them standing outside,<br/>
or inside?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. womanhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>if i could be rid of my womanhood<br/>i would be in a heartbeat<br/>id sell it, trade it, crush it,<br/>burn it, stab it, bite it,<br/>id give it to someone more in need of it than me,<br/>but for now i settle for ruining it<br/>twisting it into a form <br/>unrecognizable as what it once was<br/>for my womanhood will always be with me<br/>in the shortness of my stature,<br/>the hips i do not want,<br/>the breasts i wish to cut off,<br/>the softness of my face,<br/>the smallness of my hands,<br/>whether i want it or not<br/>(i dont)<br/>my womanhood will stay with me<br/>as i become something that is not a woman<br/>i cut my hair short,<br/>i bind my chest,<br/>i deepen my voice,<br/>but no matter how hard i try,<br/>my womanhood stays with me<br/>in my sternum<br/>nestled between where my heart meets my ribs<br/>beating in my blood<br/>and ruining me<br/>just as i ruin it</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. moving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>when i was 14, we moved from [REDACTED] to [REDACTED]<br/>id done the cross-country road trip before<br/>bur it had been so long ago<br/>my only memories of it were vague and far away<br/>sitting in the passenger seat <br/>beside my late mother<br/>watching barbie movies on my portable dvd player<br/>unaware of her heavy, sad silence<br/>the trip to [REDACTED] took nine hours<br/>the car was sweltering<br/>the heat closed in on my chubby limbs<br/>like a fat, red cloud<br/>squeezing me into my seat<br/>white skin glued to leather by sweat<br/>dog and cat next to me, confined in their cages<br/>an incessant meowing<br/>the smell of sweat<br/>the smell of a hot car<br/>the smile of sick building up in my throat<br/>i couldnt sleep<br/>when we arrived at our new home<br/>it felt odd<br/>i had lived in my previous home for so long<br/>that it had started to feel like a part of me<br/>i couldnt imagine being without it<br/>it was so odd being in this new house<br/>and knowing we were going to live there<br/>(until the eviction notice four months later)<br/>that summer was so hot<br/>i would rest my little body on the tile that patterened the floor of the kitchen<br/>just for some reprieve from the sweat rolling down my skin<br/>i started tenth grade that year<br/>on my first day, i came to class late, and the teacher sat me next to the person who would become the love of my life<br/>they doodled in their notebook<br/>angled just enough so i could see what they were drawing<br/>it was purposeful, and precise<br/>the strokes of their black ballpoint pen drew me in<br/>a slight sheen of brown when the light hit the ink<br/>just the same as their hair<br/>3 years later<br/>i lie beside them in their bed<br/>and i run my chubby fingers through their hair<br/>dark, with a slight sheen of brown<br/>just the same as their black ballpoint pen</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i know it ruins the flow, but i had to redact the location names LMAO. privacy ftw</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. bedroom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>does my room belong to me?<br/>im not entirely sure.<br/>the bed is lumpy, uncomfy,<br/>and yet i sleep 17 hours a day.<br/>my clothes lie on the floor,<br/>because cleaning is a bore,<br/>and thinking about how they fit me in the wrong places<br/>is much more of a chore.<br/>the blinds are closed all day<br/>every day<br/>because the sun makes me feel ashamed.<br/>everything is grey<br/>and i hate it that way<br/>but nothing will ever change.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. swallowed whole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>im having hannibal feels LMAO</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i want to be surrounded by you<br/>i want you to swallow me whole<br/>and hold me some place between your ribs and your spine<br/>ill be like a little tick<br/>a spider<br/>a butterfly<br/>an insect curled between your royal blue veins<br/>swollen and drunk on love and blood<br/>i want to flower in you<br/>and with you<br/>i want to be held by you<br/>and the only way i want to fall<br/>is by your hands<br/>if i must die<br/>it must be from your love<br/>its too much for me<br/>pushing out all my other thoughts<br/>my desire for a normal life<br/>felled by your intricacies<br/>the details of your brow <br/>your chin<br/>your cheeks<br/>i want you to eat me whole<br/>take my liver<br/>my kidneys<br/>my heart<br/>transform me<br/>into a beautiful creation<br/>youre my shrike<br/>your song is so beautiful<br/>but your beak is far too sharp <br/>for my peach skin to take<br/>you bruise me<br/>abuse me<br/>and use me<br/>and i dont mind<br/>it makes my heart race<br/>and my mind falter<br/>i want you to take from me<br/>swallow me whole<br/>ill chase you to the ends of the earth<br/>if i must die<br/>i want it to be by your hands<br/>or in your arms<br/>we can go off this cliff together</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. animal tree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>if you were an animal<br/>
im not sure which youd be<br/>
because theres so many possibilities<br/>
underneath the animal tree<br/>
a little mouse, maybe?<br/>
with your sweet pink nose<br/>
twitching at me<br/>
or even a cat<br/>
because youre all that<br/>
lying in the sun on a mat<br/>
or perhaps a possum<br/>
snacking on fruit<br/>
youre so very astute<br/>
your squeaky song is like a flute<br/>
you could be a crow<br/>
because you know all you know<br/>
and you like to go slow<br/>
and you like to collect shiny gold coins<br/>
hidden in the snow<br/>
i think if you were an animal<br/>
you would be man<br/>
because youre where my heart began<br/>
and your eyes are soft and cyan<br/>
and truthfully,<br/>
youre all that i am</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 6 am</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>do you remember when we used to wake up at 6 am just to see each other?<br/>thinking about it makes me laugh.<br/>we hated waking up at 8 to go to school<br/>yet we were happy to do it just to see each other.<br/>i miss it.<br/>i miss seeing you glow,<br/>pink and soft and lovely,<br/>in the early morning light.<br/>not even the sunrise, glimmering in every colour of the rainbow,<br/>could compare to how warm and content you could make me feel with just your eyes, so blue and bright and gentle.<br/>our fingers interlocked so perfectly, and every sweet look you gave me made me feel like you were scooping out my arteries with a microscopic ice cream scoop,<br/>cherry red and berry blue,<br/>sticky and thick and hot and sweet,<br/>you could drain me of every drop and i would thank you.<br/>we get back to your house, 6:40am.<br/>we fall into your too-small bed, legs tangled around each other,<br/>your warm breath on my face.<br/>god i love you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>my skin doesnt feel like skin.<br/>when i look at it, it's like i can see every thread and stitch holding it together.<br/>like a quilt of white and red and pink, blotchy and mismatched, speckled with imperfections.<br/>its as soft and delicate as silk,<br/>but with none of the shine or lustre.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. brain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>theres too much to think about,<br/>its overwhelming,<br/>static spiraling <br/>through he curves and folds <br/>of my soft pink brain</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. moth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>this is an oldie</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I see a moth<br/>Sitting softly, gently, on the windowsill<br/>Her wings are outstretched<br/>Hairline fractures crack against the surface,<br/>She's trapped, stuck, bound by gravity, and she can't help herself,<br/>She can't fly away,<br/>She's clinging to life, but barely,<br/>So I pick her up, softly, gently,<br/>I cradle her in my arms,<br/>Softly, gently,<br/>And I never let her go</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. linger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>another oldie!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>my words<br/>linger<br/>at her lips<br/>waiting to change<br/>with the wind and the tide</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. peppermint</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>there is a boy, walking through the woods<br/>he is lost, and alone<br/>his heart is swollen with blood,<br/>his ventricles are filled with spider eggs</p><p>the boy ambles along a path<br/>dry dandelions grow along the periphery of the gravel<br/>they speak gargled words to him that make his head hurt</p><p>as the boy walks, his body churns <br/>and vibrates at a frequency he cant understand<br/>his fingernails grow backwards</p><p>he comes across a lake<br/>an iridescent sheen lays across the surface like a blanket<br/>the boy kneels down in the yellow grass, leaning over the water<br/>and stares into the red and bloated eyes of his reflection<br/>he falls into the water</p><p>he is aware of everything around him<br/>above is the sky, a green miasma<br/>to his left and right, the water<br/>behind him and in front of him, the darkness<br/>and underneath him, there is a living, breathing body</p><p>his ears crackle with radiation as waves and particles brush his skin<br/>the body his his, he's sure, but he wishes it wasn't<br/>as its chest swells and falls with breath, its breasts do too<br/>the water turns red, and the boy and his body rise to the surface<br/>the boy wont breathe until the body cant<br/>he pulls its teeth, and they taste like peppermint</p>
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